Almost exactly one year ago from today, I was in the early stages of one of the darkest times of my life. Before I get started, I want to put an emphasis on the reason why I am sharing my postpartum experience. This post is by no means to scare you, and it also does not mean what happened to me will happen to you. If you are sensitive to this topic, or you feel that this will take away from your joy of pregnancy or motherhood, I recommend you save this post for another time or you skip it altogether. However, I do think it’s important to shine light on postpartum anxiety and depression, as it is something I did not feel prepared for or educated enough on.

My hope is that if you are going through something similar, I can be a resource for you. I also hope that this provides you with knowledge of postpartum anxiety, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, etc. so that you can get through it if it does happen to you. When I was in the depths of it, I found so much comfort in reading about and speaking with other moms who had a similar story. I am going to be as raw and transparent as possible as to what I experienced, and I ask that you please respect my honesty as this is not the easiest thing to share. Although it’s not easy, it’s important.

My Experience With Severe Postpartum Anxiety and Panic Attacks

EARLY SIGNS

In case you missed it, I had my daughter via unplanned C-section at 39 weeks. The birth and recovery was very smooth. Pregnancy was tough for me, especially towards the end so I honestly felt 10x better almost immediately after delivering. Breastfeeding was without any complication and I really felt my happiest and totally in love with our daughter. For the first three months, everything was bliss. I had always heard of postpartum depression (never heard of postpartum anxiety) and in the back of my mind, I had a small fear of it happening to me. Previously, I was under the impression postpartum depression (PPD) hit women immediately after delivering. Since I didn’t feel even the slightest bit of PPD during the first three months, I really thought I was in the clear.

At each monthly check up for my daughter, her pediatrician gave me a postpartum depression survey to fill out and for the first three months, I had answered no to every single question. What a relief, I thought. At around 3-4 months, I started getting back to the gym. One day, I was on my way home from the gym, which is only about 6 minutes from my house. On my way home, I was in the left turning lane at an intersection right before my neighborhood and a really strange feeling came over my body, almost like I was going to pass out. My legs started to go numb, my body temperature skyrocketed, my hands started to shake and I began to panic. I was trapped in a left turning lane with nowhere to go.

I fainted twice while I was pregnant (we still don’t know why), so I thought maybe I pushed it a little too hard at the gym and I just needed to get home and eat something. A couple of days later, I was at the same intersection and I experienced the exact same thing, but worse. This time, though, I had my infant in the car with me, which made me panic even more. After the second episode, and having now experienced it with my daughter, I didn’t want to leave my house. Her four month appointment was approaching, and I wasn’t going to miss it. I woke up on the day of her appointment feeling overwhelmed by the drive to the doctor. The drive was only 5 minutes but I was petrified to get in my car. What was happening to me?!

POSTPARTUM SCREENING

The entire visit I felt shaky, panicky, and all I could think about was getting home. I couldn’t focus on anything other than getting out of there as fast as possible. There was something really off, I just didn’t know what it was. I didn’t feel depressed or sad, so I didn’t associate my feelings with postpartum, but I knew there was something wrong. The receptionist handed me the postpartum survey once again and after reading through it this time, many of my previous “no” responses, turned into a “yes.” I remember one of questions said, “do you feel more panicky than usual?” Okay, I thought – maybe this is my way of figuring out how I can get some help. I felt relief knowing that a doctor was about to read my responses.

The doctor walked in, checked on my daughter, and then looked at me and said “your postpartum survey looked good, no concerns,” and he walked out. (Just one of the many problems with postpartum mental health care) I didn’t have it in me at the time to speak up, so I proceeded home and as I hit that intersection, I had my first true panic attack. I felt like I was completely losing control over my body. I knew I needed help but didn’t know who to ask. I went to google for help and searched for a postpartum therapist on the internet. It wasn’t long before I found a therapist that specializes in postpartum mental health and made an appointment.

STARTING THERAPY

I started meeting with my therapist weekly (virtually). At this point, I was not getting in my car at all. I remember asking her, “Will I ever drive my car again?”. I could not see myself getting in my car ever again. Everything was just going downhill so fast. She recognized my symptoms and walked me through what was happening. She encouraged me to keep facing that intersection, keep getting in my car and emphasized that avoidance will only make it worse. She also gave me helpful tools in the event that it did happen. Through weekly therapy, persistence and patience, I was able to get through this phase, although at times it felt impossible. And if this is you, you’ll get through it too!

PANIC ATTACK AT THE GYM

A couple of weeks later, I had a long day at home and when my husband got off of work, I went to the gym. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, an overwhelming feeling came over me and I called my husband and told him I didn’t think I could go inside. We talked through what I was feeling and I decided I had already made it there, so I might as well give it a shot. I walked into the gym and almost immediately, I could feel my body starting to go into an intense panic attack. The room felt like it was spinning and I ran to the nearest piece of equipment where I could sit down. Instead of turning on my music, I started a meditation that my therapist had recommended. Nothing was helping and my entire body started to shake, my legs started to feel tingly and I thought I was going to pass out. My chest was starting to tighten. The more I fought it, the worse my symptoms got.

I gave up and ran to my car, broke down in tears and went home. I walked into my house, sat down on the floor and started sobbing. What was happening to me?! I felt like I couldn’t function, I felt out of control, and I felt like every day was getting worse. My life had been turned upside down and I couldn’t get a grasp on it. The more I tried to understand it, the worse it got.

INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

This section is really hard for me to write, but it’s important to me to be honest because research states that 90% of all moms experience this and if you do, I want you to know that you’re not alone and you’re not crazy.

One day, also around the 4-5 month postpartum mark, I was home with my daughter and we were in the kitchen. I was chopping up vegetables for lunch, like any other ordinary day, and my baby was in her bouncer. Out of nowhere, I had this irrational thought of me, somehow hurting her with the knife. After the thought popped into my head, I could not shake it. The thoughts were consuming me and my mind was racing 100 miles an hour. I couldn’t touch or even look at the knives. It escalated so quickly that I took my daughter into her room, shut the door and we stayed in there until my husband got home hours later. I cried almost the entire day that day. It was so distressing to me and it was sending me down a spiral into full on panic mode. I would never hurt her, so why were these thoughts even crossing my mind? I truly felt like I was going crazy and I didn’t trust myself to be with my baby, or even with myself.

How was I going to explain this to my husband?

When he got home that night, we sat down on the couch and I just could not stop crying, trying to explain to him that I would never hurt our daughter, but I was so fearful to be around the knives with her. I was so embarrassed to tell him about this, but I knew I had to. I talked to my therapist about it and she explained to me that these thoughts are just thoughts, otherwise known as intrusive thoughts. They are very common for moms to experience. She told me 90% of moms will experience intrusive thoughts. I found comfort in knowing that I was not going crazy – even though it was very distressing.

She helped me find ways to manage them when they presented themselves but it was extremely scary for me. I started having these thoughts almost every single day. At this point, I felt like I was just trying to survive each day. My goal every morning was just to get through the day. I felt like a zombie, sometimes my head was barely above water and other days I felt like I was drowning.

MY BREAKING POINT

I remember the day. I was reaching 6 months postpartum at this point. It was Friday, January 27th. After waking up, I checked my social media and the first thing I saw was a news article about Lindsay Clancy. I didn’t even open the article, or read any of the story, but the headline was enough of a trigger to send me down a dark spiral. At this point I didn’t even recognize myself. Was Lindsay feeling the way I was feeling that ultimately led her to such a horrific situation? Could that be me? That entire morning I could barely catch my breath.

After putting my daughter down for her morning nap, I sat down and tried to calm myself down. I couldn’t. I knew I needed help. At this point I had been really struggling for about two months and I hadn’t told anyone except my husband and my therapist. I knew I needed help, and I needed it now. I texted my sister-in-law (an actual angel who I would not have made it through this without), and she was at my house within fifteen minutes.

She stayed with me the rest of the day and I opened up to her about everything – which immediately helped so much. The next day, I woke up feeling really off, my emotions were all over the place – uncontrollable crying, anxious thoughts of how I was going to be alone with my daughter when my husband went back to work the next week. I called my mom (Saturday morning), who lives in FL, and I live in Pennsylvania. I told her a little bit about how I was feeling and I said, “I think I need you to come here.” She asked me when and I said tomorrow. She booked her flight and was at my house the next day.

Throughout the entire weekend, I was crying a lot, feeling very depressed, hopeless, afraid, and quite honestly, did not recognize myself at all. My mom arrived Sunday, and Monday morning at 4 am, I had my worst panic attack up until that point. I lost feeling in my legs, I was having hot flashes and I really just felt like I lost all control of my body. My panic attacks came with a lot of physical symptoms. I ended up going in to see my primary care doctor that morning and we discussed medication. I initially was against medication, but at this time, I decided it was the best option for me.

THE EMERGENCY ROOM

I got home from the doctor and was just exhausted from almost three days straight of extreme lows. My mom suggested I lay down and relax while she took care of my daughter. I fell asleep and I woke up into the most intense panic attack I had ever experienced. The best way I can describe it is that my entire body was shaking, and it felt like my insides were burning. My body temperature was going up and down, I was very dizzy and I was panicking. For the first time, I really thought I was dying. I called my mom in and told her I wanted to go to the hospital. Within seconds I had already dialed 911. The ambulance showed up minutes later and took me to the hospital.

The doctors met with me and explained to me that I wasn’t dying, there was nothing wrong with me and they see this a lot with postpartum women. It wasn’t just the doctor who came in to help. It was the nurses, the assistants, just about anyone around who was a mother. They connected with me. They told me it would get better with time. I didn’t have time. I was living minute by minute, unsure of how I would make it from one to the next. How was I going to wait weeks or months for this to get better? I did not want to go home, I didn’t want to see my baby, I didn’t want to be alone – I just wanted to be somewhere that I felt safe and at that time, I didn’t feel safe at home. I cried to the doctors and begged them to let me stay in the hospital. For the first time, she asked me if I was having any thoughts of hurting myself. I could not answer, I just sobbed. She asked again. And I told her I didn’t want to live like this – I truly didn’t think I could. It was the scariest moment of my life.

My sweet, beautiful daughter was at home and I couldn’t even bear to go home and see her. It’s not that I didn’t want to see her, it’s that I didn’t want her to be around me because I wanted her to be safe. I didn’t trust myself anymore and I told my husband, if I come home, I want someone else to be with me to make sure Nora was safe. (I know this sounds crazy, but postpartum mental health is very serious and can be really scary). My mom stayed with me all week and I barely left my bed. I didn’t eat much of anything for two weeks. For the first couple of days I was home from the hospital I was in and out of panic attacks constantly. My intrusive thoughts became repetitive and graphic, my mind playing vivid scenes of bad things happening to my daughter. I couldn’t sleep. I was physically sick.

My sister also came to be with me for two weeks. She and my mom, along with my mother in law and sister in law took care of my daughter full time while I tried to get back on my feet. I felt like I had been completely broken down and I had to learn to stand on my own again. Walking around my neighborhood felt impossible to me. Every day, my husband pushed me to make small steps into healing. The medication took a few weeks to start working. I leaned on my support system very heavily. My sister in law got me out of the house, pushed me out of my comfort zone. It took months, a lot of hard work, patience, setbacks, exercise, meditation, journaling, lifestyle changes, healthy habits and self reflection, but things started to slowly get better.

When I was in my dark days, I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it out the other side. I have never felt so much darkness in my life. My husband organized a call for me with a woman from Postpartum Support International, who had experienced similar postpartum anxiety and depression and she kept shared her story with me and reassured me that it will get better. I needed that reminder every single day, and I still didn’t know if I believed it. It’s been almost a year now and I still have my ups and downs, but overall, I am really proud of how far I’ve come.

I would not have made it without my support system: my sisters (Ashlee, Francie and Gabby), my mom & mother-in-law and my husband. Also, the other moms who I’ve talked to through social media that have been through it or just offered support. If you read this entire post, thank you. I know it was long, but it is not talked about enough and it needs to be.

RESOURCES

Postpartum Support International

What Helped Me

• Therapy
• Social Media Detox (one month disconnected)
• Rest
• Setting boundaries
• Journaling
• Meditation (Insight Timer App)
• Exercise
• Spending time outside everyday
• Less caffeine
• More water
• Reading
• Self-reflection
• Self-care time without baby
• Talking to other moms
• Vocalizing how I’m feeling
• Leaving the house everyday
• Making plans to look forward to
• Natural supplements – meeting with a holistic doctor
• Learning how to say no without an explanation

If you or someone you know is experiencing postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression, know that you are not alone and it will get better. I am always here for you!